The effort of cultivating good friendships is a complex affair, one that, ironically, a lot of people take for granted. That's too bad - I've seen too many worthwhile friendships go to pieces simply because the people involved cared too much for their own ideas of how things should go for themselves, rather than how everyone concerned might be able to resolve their issues and work things out.

It seems to be the standing belief that friendships will take care of themselves, happily getting along without us having to try too hard to make them work. To an extent, that's actually true, since a healthy friendship is one that is allowed to grow at its own pace. Indiscriminately forcing the issue of being friends with someone, as I mentioned several weeks ago, will do more harm than good. It's always a better idea to let things develop naturally, casually sharing your time, your interests, and your happiness with the people you feel good about.

We should be aware of maintaining a sense of balance, however. Friendships don't flourish automatically, and they will atrophy and die instead, if we neglect the emotional investments that come part and parcel with them.

Being a good friend entails paying attention to the people we consider our friends. We should look out for them, yes, but to properly manage that, we should make sure that we're looking at them as well. To really be able to care, we have to know the people we are close to, see who they really are, and do our best to understand them. We all have our own unique souls, and the key to cultivating good friendships can be found in how we accept that fact.

Given that, we should realize that there might be more to a friend's distress than what she lets on when we ask. She might venture an explanation, or she might just shrug and say, "No, it's nothing." While there may very well be nothing at all wrong, it's possible that there really is something wrong, and she's just not ready to explain what it is, for some reason or another. Knowing the difference isn't about being psychic, however.

Pay attention. I cannot stress this point enough. Pay close attention. The fact that a friend refuses to clarify what may be bothering her is not the issue, and it is most definitely not a point we should be arguing with her. When it is clear to us that a friend is troubled yet reluctant to say why, we should work with what we can sense and what we do know of things to see if there is anything we can do for her, not try to hammer an explanation out of her.

If it is within our power to help, then we should do so, in as sensitive and understanding a way as possible. If we ascertain, from paying attention to the implicit signals a friend gives off, that she needs space, then we should keep our distance, and not insist on being around. Conversely, if she does need us around, or needs something done, then by all means, we should step up to the task.

Of course, we should be aware as well if a certain problem is within our purview. If something is none of our business, as is the case with truly personal issues a friend may have with others or with herself, we shouldn't insist on being heroes. That would add even more aggravation to a situation we're supposed to help alleviate. This may sound elementary, but a lot of people forget this: we help when we can and when we should, but not when it's beyond our concern. All we should do, in that case, is simply offer what encouragement we can, and have faith that our friend will be okay.

We all have our reasons for being reluctant to explain what may be bothering us at a given point in time, even when those who ask are our most trusted friends. When a friend says that nothing's wrong, we should give her the benefit of the doubt, but we should also be ready to offer what support we can if we see that such is truly not the case. We shouldn't hold it against our friends if they cannot, or will not, explain - instead, we should focus on finding the best way for us to help make things right.

Our friends are our most valuable assets. We should appreciate and care for them, but above all, we should understand them.

[First published by Perspective, DLSU - College of St. Benilde]